Working Myself Out

Hello Escritori,

I feel quite sad to say this – after the happy milestone that was reached at the weekend – but I haven’t been all that well for about three weeks: and what is worse and more frustrating to me is that I can’t seem to work out why.

Obviously, I know that all this exercising very early in the morning is a bit of jolt to my system. I think maybe doing mixed workouts, an hour a day for five days for three weeks in a block, after a year and a half of just walking (and very little at that) was harmfully jumping in the deep end. I just never seem to find anything that improves my physical health and capabilities, without me suffering exhaustion or headaches and weariness that doesn’t seem equal to the energy exerted.

For example, I can do an hour of arm reps with mixed weights of up to 4 and 6kg altogether (not actually that heavy) and feel the same amount of tiredness for the next day and the day after that: as someone who has done an hour of fairly vigorous swimming.

I said previously that it was a precious balance, now I worry it’s tipping the other way.

Since this is not the first time, I know that people with bipolar have to be careful of speeding up their metabolism because this can trigger Mania – so I’ve been doing far less running and more weights and abdominal work on the floor. I’m still paying for it. I keep needing to sleep which makes me wary of the fact there may be Vitamin D issues again, so I’m not jumping straight to the idea that it’s chemical Depression rearing its ugly head.

It may also be due to excessive screen time due to searching for more work and also calling friends a lot, (increased radiation) but this is NECESSARY to me. Socialising and feeling useful.

I hope it is only that, and not some brain chemistry or lady hormone thing. I just feel rubbish because every time I make an entirely “selfish” positive change for myself, it bites me in the butt – but I don’t WANT to be inactive, being active is LIVING and it gives your brain a rest. The pace of it might be too big an ask.

Anyway, maybe I’ll get some help and run some tests to get an answer and most likely be offline, or on as many reduced hours as possible. However, the general PROBLEM remains. Even if you lean on someone you love, that’s HARD because you shouldn’t have to. They should be free and beautiful and at peace, knowing that you are capable and happy. It just upsets me when I feel like a naturally bright light, that my energy gets slid onto a dimmer switch and everything else seems to go with it.

I’m in a slump-y place right now, life is slapping me about and I have less and less tolerance for other people’s nonsense, but also much less fight – or at least a poorer recovery time per fight.

I’m annoyed about this negativity so close to another amazing milestone, the hundredth poem on The Escritorium. That is something which I take justifiable pride in and I know that readers also enjoy a lot.

Keep scribbling,

~ Pola ~