Since my decision to take a stand ended it last Tuesday; I had a quite bad four days on the mental health front. To be frank, a set of triggers that constituted a blip.
When the meteorological fog phase cleared up, the mind fog got worse. Currently, the weather is a succession of powder grey days with the odd, illusory sun spot. This is far worse in my view than no sun at all. It is like a reprieve that is written but never cleared for a poor soul on a capital charge.
I’m done feeling that rubbish, waking up tired, feeling listless and napping lethargically. I’ve decided to impose a crafting ban on myself as well. It used to be Occupational Therapy but now it’s just something to lean on, blog content and a habit that keeps me inside, sedentary and risk averse.
I went for a walk on Tuesday and cried nearly all the way there. It was only seeing trees in blossom that reassured me that Spring was here at all; and it was like getting a call from your Mother.
I’m mainly a city girl, but after diagnosis I crave green spaces and that link to growing things… it centres me hugely. A bit like that poem Tom Hiddleston quotes in interviews sometimes. When asked about fame he mentions this poem and ‘the trees that do not care’. Instead of hinting at futility, something about that little bit of poetry makes me feel so glad that the larger structure of life and the timeless turn of the seasons can and will continue: regardless of me.
It might be good to get Tuesdays back to a check in, in some way shape or form. Or have more adventurous Thursdays for that matter. I’ve imposed a three month crafting ban on myself. Anything that crops up will be linked to images on file or incidental things like birthdays. Mine is coming up next month. I’m trying to find the impetus to reach it.
Instead I’m going to go back on a fitness drive I think. I’m reading and doing planks on the floor so, there’s the definitive proof – geeks can be fit and clever at the same time.
I think I’m in desperate need of the serotonin to be honest – serotonin is exactly what cortisol eats up. My serotonin is a delicate crop at the best of times, so I’m going to drive up my stock of positive sunbeams because it’s time to stick it to cortisol. I think I better start running again and I’m sorry if the blog suffers.
In case this ends up turning into a break, I will definitely keep up Poetry Sundays.
~ Pola ~