It seems to me that the fewer sessions of C.B.T. there are left, the less I seem to be able to remember the content of sessions. This isn’t because I’m not paying attention – but because I’m using the moment to consider what is being said.
I think I’m starting to relate some concepts properly and consciously to my own situation to see if some traits, whether behavioural, self-limiting or attitudinal are actually keeping me in my “Safety Zone” – rather than getting me to be brave. I struggle with being brave, I struggle with change, I am incredibly social but I cannot stand networking on an interactive level. Big groups I would formerly assume were waiting to pay to court to a fellow schmoozer on the Charm Offensive, are now suddenly intimidating. I become hugely aware of my lack of achievements.
These are all things to try and counter: Life is about change, but not all changes are drastic. Everyone only ever shows their best self at these things. A mistake is not a resounding failure. Any failure is the beginning of success, everyone is in the same boat, everyone is pretending to be a grown-up, and probably padding out their CV as we speak…
I’m very risk averse due to past experiences in bipolar where the risk assessing and decision making areas of my brain are in flux. I think that even when I’m “well” I am hyper-vigilant to possible threats, anything jeopardising peace and control of my environment. The only time I can relax is when I’m writing, praying, or going on walks.
There are fewer threats than reasons to be thankful. Like hitting 100 followers! I’m also trying to pray more, insha’Allah. It’s only our fear of our own fallibility (guess what, that is incredibly human) that keeps us from doing what is most nourishing to ourselves.
The session was also about preventing an angry reaction to others during an Anxiety attack. Anger is very useful on a primal level, in case you need to kill the same something that took you by surprise. After all, you need to have your wits about you after becoming so suddenly, horribly and unexpectedly scared – but probably not in a 21st Century scenario. You will regret the outburst later, and generally the target of your wrath is not the cause of it.
When you’re tempted to stay in the Safety Zone, it’s good to give your brain something to work at while your nerves get in order, so objectively try to list responses to a situation or problem, and assess the the pros and cons of each one to find the best way forward. The idea is that if you have to do something out there, do not do it without having the best solution in mind and the best relaxation back up plans.
I’m really starting to go through it emotionally now, and see what’s valid and what’s not. I hope this helps someone else at the same time. There’ll be no Thursday post this week, to re-jig things to accommodate the bunting but Thursdays are set to get different for a while…
~ Pola ~