My serialised story The White Room is over now, leaving me feeling sad and thankful for returning readers who were invested in it with me.
I’m not a particularly industrious or entrepreneurial writer, for reasons of having a lot of dry spells, feeling the need to seek out ‘real job’ opportunities (not my words I promise you) and periods of low energy due to bipolar. Sometimes I don’t have the sustained ability to promote my work a lot, so I’m glad to be read, and there’s nothing I like more than feeling like I’ve just stumbled on somebody brilliant.
Then I apologise for falling over their feet, because I didn’t see the rest of them from my vantage.
I’m making a very small but conscious choice not to capitalise the letter b in bipolar because I don’t want to give it more importance than it actually has, in terms of its impact on my life. It already seems to be getting a big-ish slice of the pie lately. Tuesdays on the blog are traditionally for having a little check in on a health angle.
Recently I’ve been quite busy having a lot of tests and seeing doctors at stupidly early times of day, getting test results that are fine, (which confounds me) and also talking with recruiters to work out how best to work and in which areas. I’ve been extremely low energy lately, only really started going out of the house again last weekend, and I’ve had ‘ration’ my energy as well as go to bed very early.
It has been a hard slog, and I’m also aware still of The November Monster which may or may not appear on my mental health horizon. The November Monster is what I call my depressive phase that is part of my annual bipolar pattern when the colder months draw in. It doesn’t always happen by the calendar but I’m just taking care, especially since my energy slump came out of nowhere.
I’m also seeking out CBT at this point, I have been very wary of getting back into organised therapy – I just have to remember that it is a responsible, not a defeatist thing to do – so I have to wait for the referral. CBT will hopefully help me to frame my thoughts about my abilities and self worth in a much more positive way. It’s very easy to beat yourself up able the fact that you CAN do stuff, you just don’t seem to have enough energy. Then your sense of self begins to suffer very badly and you need to defend against that.
My sister, (code-named Mary 2) has recently been getting close and telling me not to worry so much and to ‘do things you enjoy.’ She says to try to see this time as an opportunity. I hope CBT helps me to see things more positively and rewire my way of thinking.
~ Pola ~