A shameless amount of showing off about my wrapping skills will follow in Thursday’s post, but it got me thinking. I’ve never actually tried RAPPING.The reason I say I’d probably be a good rapper is that during Manic episodes; I poured out poetry.
It arrived in perfect iambic pentameter or rhyming couplets by instinct: I don’t understand why, it’s just innate.
I think it speaks deeply about how when your brain chemistry splinters apart, words in their conventional sense fail you. That’s when they take on a more abstract weight, to express something ineffable in the ill brain. Delusion makes you feel intensely, but because it has no definable source you’re stuck as to why. Normally:
EVENT creates SENSORY STIMULI = SENSORY+EMOTIONAL RESPONSE.
In Mania, it feels similar but MUCH more extreme in a chemical sense:
SENSORY OVERLOAD creates HORMONE SPIKES shifting parameters of EMOTIONAL DELUSION on a loop – until a ‘come down’ state.
The brain is not as linear as most of the constructs we create, like the fact that people dream in colour. Colour is derived from a light spectrum bouncing back frequencies to our brain, read by us as visual tones. Our brains aren’t RECEIVING colour signals from light while sleeping, so we must be recycling our lived experience inside the construct of a dream.
During Delusion, there is no causality for our experience. No initiating factor other than exhaustion. The role of Delusion is two-fold. Delusion insulates your Conscious mind, whilst actual parts of your physical brain circuitry are being burnt. The second role of Delusion is to create some explanation, however abnormal, for why this is happening.
I’m a superhero. I’m a prophet. I’ve been chosen. I’m part of some kind of secret government experiment. Anything.
In my opinion this is a form of protection, akin to the body of a woman, at the end of labour, flooding her with endorphins to rebalance her after extreme pain. Chemical Mania, situated in the physical brain has no context to the emotional mind. Delusion steps up to become the emotional response. Delusion creates context. Context creates meaning. The only thing that makes this pain worth it, is the ‘baby’ – or the fake goal your mind has constructed for you, which only YOU believe is real.
For me, Delusional belief was like being Cinderella escaping under cover of darkness, not in one shoe, but trying on an infinite number of shoes (or explanations) while running. All in the hope of finding the shoes that would help me to run fastest to escape whatever monster this was. But I wasn’t running in a straight line. I’d gone from the Palace of Sanity directly into a kind of maze that knew what I was thinking and was always trying to outwit me.
So eventually you stop. Depression is almost necessary and welcome as a chance to sleep off the exhaustion, and then you have to lean on whatever pulls you through that. Some people make it, some people don’t. It’s not a question of strength or weakness, success or failure. It’s just a fight in which you are your own worst enemy believing something only you can see and you don’t know the outcome. Be careful how your beliefs code that false world inside.
Once upon a time you had no concept of success or failure. The fight is real, the outcome is always subjective.
~ Pola ~